Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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