I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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