btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
