No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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