sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
