It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
