one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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