Barsexuality is the new black.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
