My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Randomize
