were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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