Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
