I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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