I wish I could teleport
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sober January is a disaster.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I will be naked everywhere
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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