if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
