I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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