I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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