I faked an abortion last night.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
