did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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