I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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