i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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