I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
