Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
