im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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