Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
