a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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