you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
