my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
