So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dignity is for republicans.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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