I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
