Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
