It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
