1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
