After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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