Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
