I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
