i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
