How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
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