I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
