Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
