He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
