no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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