i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
