Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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