it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
