If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
