so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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