when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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