We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
