You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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