she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
