You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
