best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
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Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize