i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
