Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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