Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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