you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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