i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Houston, we have a blender
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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